Hey mamas! We wanted to get the down-low on sex after childbirth because we hear so many questions from new mamas that don’t really ever get talked about… Like... When “should” I be ready to have sex again? What will it feel like? I’m a bit scared, will it hurt? What positions might be best to start? Where did my libido go? How do I connect with my partner in the midst of everything that is already going on?

We were lucky enough to connect with Morgan Penn, an expert sexologist, who is passionate about people living their most pleasurable lives whilst being deeply connected to themselves and others. We asked her all of these burning sex questions, here’s what we found out…

KIA ORA MORGAN, TELL US A LITTLE BIT ABOUT YOURSELF AND WHAT MADE YOU DECIDE TO BECOME A SEXOLOGIST? WHAT DOES A SEXOLOGIST DO EXACTLY? 

It was through my own journey of realising how disconnected I was to my womanhood, sensuality and sexuality that I learnt how to inhabit my body, find pleasure in curious places and connect differently with people. I knew if I could do it so could everyone and I had hope that the world would be happier, safer and more fun to be in if more people did too. I wanted to give people the sex education they never got so I became a sexologist. A sexologist studies human sexuality, behaviours, feelings and emotions and ultimately supports people to have a better sex life.

WHY ARE YOU PASSIONATE ABOUT HELPING WOMEN RECONNECT WITH THEIR SEXUALITY AFTER HAVING A CHILD?

There is so much pressure for a postpartum body to get back to how it used to be. This comes from places like social media with unrealistic images and people not sharing their personal struggles. The truth is you will never go back to your old self in the body or in mind. It's a completely new body and sometimes this can take time to integrate. 

I believe women deserve to be feeling really good in their body's and be having great sex!  One thing I work with a lot of clients on is a reclamation of the body. Deciding what wants to be shed, reclaiming what's truly important and stepping into what this new body feels like. The goal being to feel more confident and comfortable in your skin than ever before. 

WHAT ARE THE MOST COMMON THINGS YOU HEAR FROM NEW MUMS ABOUT SEX AFTER CHILDBIRTH? 

I hear a lot of tired voices telling me they are feeling pressure to get back to having sex for their partners’ sake. Some are confused about where their libido and desire have gone. Desire isn’t a magic thing that comes back, desire has to be cultivated. Another common thing I hear is that they feel like their body isn't theirs anymore, the baby has claimed it and to enter into partnered sex feels like more is being taken from their already depleted bodies. There’s also a lot of fear. Fear to do with body image and if sex will still feel good for themselves and their partners.

HOW LONG DO YOU RECOMMEND WAITING TO HAVE SEX AFTER CHILDBIRTH?

Well, the medical profession recommends 6 weeks but what your body really needs from you is to listen to its wisdom. To treat it with reverence for the big journey it’s been through and to only start doing things when it is fully ready. If you listen it will tell you when that is. Hormones play a big role in recovery and a return to 'normal ' sexual activity. Vaginal birth can temporarily stretch the muscles of the vaginal canal. A cesarean delivery can also affect vaginal sensation. Regardless of the type of birth, hormonal issues can make the tissues of the vagina dry and thin, possibly leading to painful sex. In short, your body needs some time off after delivery.

HOW DO YOU KEEP THE ROMANCE ALIVE - WHEN THERE IS NO TIME, A CHILD SLEEPING IN YOUR ROOM, YOU’RE BOTH TOO TIRED, YOU’RE ALL TOUCHED OUT… 

Lack of sleep is probably the biggest reason you won't be in the mood for sex, but there are so many other factors, things like breastfeeding that releases oxytocin, a hormone that triggers good feelings toward the baby but also suppresses your libido, keeping your sex drive low is your body's way of preventing another pregnancy too soon. So you’ve got a lot going against you to keep the romance alive.

Research shows that healthy sex life is related to two key factors: maintaining a strong emotional connection and talking about sexual preferences with your partner. So look for where you can strengthen those two factors. You can explore non-sexual touch like cuddling, hugging, massage, gentle kissing, and light caressing which will help with intimacy and keep you physically connected.

MY BOOBS ARE FOR BREASTFEEDING…AND I HAVE A TUMMY AND STRETCH MARKS, I NO LONGER FEEL THAT SEXY - ANY TIPS TO HELP US FEEL SEXY AGAIN?

This is an important piece of work. Accepting and loving the changed body you now find yourself in. Mirror work is powerful for this. Looking at your naked body or sections of your body if taking it all in at once is too much. Bringing soft loving eyes to yourself. Set a timer for 2 minutes and touch your body and say kind things to yourself, this should be a mixture of physical, personality or emotional traits, let any of the amazing things that add up to you being you flow out. This can be hard at first but the more you do it the easier it becomes and then the more you start to believe it. 

Breathwork is an amazing way to get embodied and feel in your body again. This also helps down-regulate and relax, when we relax we can feel when we feel we allow space for arousal. Start by simply bringing attention to your breath for a few minutes. It’s all about placement of awareness so if you are sending breath down to your genitals there is a high chance that arousal or pleasure will follow.  Move your lower body! Dance, do yoga, stretch. Increasing blood circulation while getting out of your mind and into your body can help stimulate feelings of excitement and arousal.

DO YOU HAVE ANY RECOMMENDATIONS AROUND MASTURBATION/SELF-PLEASURE TO HELP BRING LIBIDO BACK UP AFTER CHILDBIRTH? 

Self-pleasure is a great way to get to know, accept and love your new body. There's a possibility that you will have new parts on your body that feel really good. You can do a 'pleasure mapping' on yourself. By being curious and touching your body in ways you've never touched it. Do things differently with pressure, texture, speeds and body positions. If you get caught in your head, keep coming back to "what can I feel in my body right now?" For the genitals, I would suggest a good lubricant. New parents can be time poor so this could be the perfect time to invite a vibrator in. This will all help arousal and orgasmic energy to flow in your body.

WHEN I’M READY TO HAVE SEX AGAIN… I’M SCARED… HOW THE HECK DO I DO IT WITH MY PARTNER? WHAT POSITIONS ARE BEST?

It needs to start out of the bedroom, with honest loving communication with your lover about what your needs are, what you would like to try and make a pact that you can stop at any time things feel uncomfortable. Never endure and there should be no pain. Then do whatever you can beforehand to relax. This could be making sure all things on your to-do list are done, setting the space with nice lighting, candles, music, or having a hot shower. When it comes to the physical go slow, and when you think you're going slow go even slower. In terms of positions for penis-in-vagina sex, I would recommend the vagina owner gets on top. From there they have full control of speed, depth and range of movement. Spooning is great because you get a little lie-down and can feel like you're getting a cuddle at the same time. It's good if you've had a c- section because this avoids tummy contact. If you are worried about deep penetration and pain there is an amazing product called the ohnut that works like a bumper which will stop the penis from hitting the cervix which may still be getting back to normal size if it was a vaginal birth. Sex after birth may be better than you think! A lot of people enjoy sex more after birth than they did before. Giving birth can awaken bodies to a range of sensations particularly the genitals, they can become more alive, increasing pleasure potential.

WHAT’S YOUR VIEW ON POSTPARTUM HEALTH IN NZ?

I probably don't know enough about it to be honest. But I believe it can always be better. We’ve still got a far way to go in women’s health in general in NZ. Considering what actually happens to a body after birth either vaginally or through c- section the body is changed forever and quite often needs really good support. Pelvic floor physios should be easily and financially accessible to all.

“I THINK THIS IS A SPECIAL TIME OF RECONNECTION WITH YOUR BODY, TAKE YOUR TIME, STAY CURIOUS AND TRUST YOURSELF. IF YOU GET STUCK DON’T BE AFRAID TO REACH OUT FOR SOME EXTRA GUIDANCE OR SUPPORT.” 

Thanks so much, Morgan for sharing your perspective and insight with us! xx You can find out more and get in touch with Morgan… here.